Super Fetus Read online

  How was she going to go to the doctor’s office when she had Elie-Dre all day? Damn, why couldn’t today be a Monday, Wednesday or Friday! Why did it have to be Tuesday?

  “Mommy! Elie-Dre’s stretching out my shirt.”

  Sue Ellen looked into the rear-view mirror. Elie-Dre was pulling the strap of Kimi-Sue’s halter top and letting it snap.

  “Stop it!” Kimi-Sue whined, then slapped his arm.

  She turned back around and grabbed the boy’s chin. “Elie-Dre! Leave your sister alone.”

  Elie-Dre quickly turned his head and shoulders away from his sister, towards the driver’s side back window. Sandwiched between her brothers, Kimi-Sue looked straight ahead, her face red and lips pursed together. Like one of those Hollywood movie stars, she twisted her head and did a hair flip while biting her bottom lip.

  Then, out of the corner of her eye, Sue Ellen caught a glimpse of Elie-Jay sitting qui­etly, crouched in the corner on the passenger side, barely taking up any space. In fact, he was leaning against the door so as not to disturb his sister. Open in front of him was a Dr. Seuss book, which he was reading qui­etly. What would she do without her Elie-Jay? He was such a good boy.

  “Kimi-Sue, move over a little,” Sue Ellen said sternly. “Give your brother some room.”

  “I don’t have any room!”

  “I’m fine, Momma. I have plenty of room.”

  “Shut up, froggy!”

  “Kimi-Sue, don’t you talk to your brother that way. Now move!”

  “Fine!”

  “Elie-Jay, don’t lean against the door like that. It’s dangerous.”

  “Okay, Momma.”

  She whipped up the circular path to Heinz Kindergarten and stopped, right in front of Phyllis, the crossing guard.

  “Would ya slow down, please!” Phyllis snapped as she hop-stepped over on her one leg, using her long-pole stop sign as a crutch.

  “Sorry, Phyllis.”

  “You gotta be careful. There’s kids around!”

  “I know. You’re right.”

  Phyllis stood up straight, leaning against her sign while lighting a cigarette. “Slow down!” she said, cigarette dangling and smoke dragon-fuming out her nostrils.

  “Bye, Momma,” Elie-Jay said as he opened his door.

  “Bye, sweetie. Mommy loves you.”

  “Love you, too,” he said, then shut the door.

  She watched him hop, skip and jump up the asphalt path and once he was to the door, she waved to Phyllis and pulled out. Phyllis didn’t wave back.

  Once back on the road, Sue Ellen gunned it through traffic. She didn’t know why. What was the big hurry? She just couldn’t think straight. Finally, she reached The Hodges School, Grades 1-6. Next year Elie-Jay would go there, too, thank goodness-one less stop she’d have to make on days like these.

  “Okay, Kimi-Sue. Have a nice day.”

  Kimi-Sue slid across the seat and opened the door. Without saying a word, she stood up, shot an evil eye at her little brother, then slammed the door shut.

  Sue Ellen sighed, then drove away, muttering, “She has her father’s temper.”

  * * *

  Not knowing what else to do, Sue Ellen drove straight to Dr. Kurtsworth’s office. She slid cockeyed into a parking space, ignoring her sque­aling tires, and jumped out of the car.

  “Come on, Elie-Dre!” she shouted as she opened the door and yanked him out.

  They walked up the steps and into the waiting room. Sue Ellen stepped right up to the window that separated the waiting room from the reception area.

  Rosalie, the leather-tanned, gum chewing receptionist sat behind a large Formica desk. She didn’t look up as she asked, “Can I help you?”

  “Hi, Rosalie,” Sue Ellen said as she panted, trying to get air back into her lungs.

  Rosalie half looked up, still busy with something behind the desk, and between cow-chews and bubble snaps said, “Miz Biddle, you don’t have an appointment today.”

  “I know, Rosalie, but I have an emergency. I need to see Dr. Kurtsworth as soon as possible.”

  “Well you’re not in the book.” Chew. Snap. Chew.

  “I know I’m not in the book, Rosalie. But this is very important. I can wait if I have to, but I really need to see the doctor.”

  “I win,” a sque­aky voice said from behind the desk.

  “Fine. Best two outta three.” Rosalie finally looked Sue Ellen directly in the eyes. Chew. Snap. Chew. Snap. Rosalie sighed, then said, “What’s the emergency, Miz Biddle? Are you okay?”

  “Yes, I’m okay… I mean… I’m not okay. I’m not dying or anything.”

  “X in the top left corner,” she said then turned to Sue Ellen. “Just tell me the problem, please.” Chew. Chew. Snap. Snap.

  Sue Ellen looked over her shoulder. Elie-Dre was sitting in a chair, his legs dangling about as he hummed the Sponge Bob theme, horribly out of key.

  “It’s personal,” she whispered.

  “Okay, Miz Biddle. You’ll have to come back this afternoon.” SNAP!

  “This afternoon! I just can’t wait.”

  “I’m afraid you’re gonna have to.” Chew. Snap.

  “I said this is an emergency!”

  “I win again,” the sque­aky voice chimed. Sue Ellen stretched out her neck to see a tiny man behind the desk with a small piece of paper and pencil in his hand.

  “Fuck me!” Rosalie screamed. “You cheat.”

  “Do not.”

  “Cheater! I hate you.”

  “Poor sport.”

  Sue Ellen said, “Excuse me, but this is an emergency.”

  Rosalie turned to Sue Ellen and said, “This is why you never play tic tac toe with a midget. They always cheat!”

  “I do not cheat,” the little man said. “And I prefer little man.”

  “Shut up you cheatin’ midget.”

  “Little man! You hear me? Little man. Little man. Little man.”

  “Well beat it you cheatin’ little man. Go clean up the examination rooms.”

  “Fine!” He ran towards the door and Rosalie fung her gum at him.

  “Excuse me Miz Biddle. He is useless.” She stuck a fresh piece in her mouth. “We’d free him but Dr. Kurtsworth is petrifed of lawyers. Anyway, you were saying.”

  “Yes. I said it was an emergency.”

  “If it’s a genuine emergency, then we can call an ambulance.” She blew a quick bubble as she looked down at her appointment book. POP! “Otherwise, I have an afternoon cancellation at four o’clock. Why don’t you come back then.”

  Sue Ellen breathed heavily as she bit her lip. Then said, “I really need to see Dr. Kurtsworth.”

  “Miz Biddle, Dr. Kurtsworth is at the hospital delivering a baby right now. He’ll be back around three. If you really need to see him, come back at three and I’ll try to get you in.”

  Sue Ellen shook her head, wondering why Rosalie didn’t just say that in the first place. “I can’t make it at three. I have to pick up my kids from school.”

  “Then how about four. I have a cancellation at…”

  “I know. Okay. I’ll be back at four. Thank you.”

  Out of the corner of her eye, Sue Ellen saw Rosalie nodding while shoving another stick of spearmint gum into her mouth and flicking the green wrapper aside. Sue Ellen grabbed Elie-Dre by the arm and pulled him out the door.

  * * *

  Sue Ellen pulled up to Heinz and Elie-Jay walked over.

  Before he could get in, Kimi-Sue jumped out.

  “Get in the car, Kimi-Sue!” Sue Ellen rolled down her window and shouted. “Let’s go!”

  “Just a minute, Momma. I see Maribel.”

  “You can talk to Maribel later. We gotta go!”

  Behind Sue Ellen’s car sat a line of oversized SUVs and station wagons, filled with mothers waiting to pick up their children. Some honked their horns.

  “I’ll be right there!” Kimi-Sue shouted.

  “No! Come now!”

  The girls
continued talking and giggling as if Sue Ellen wasn’t there. She turned and looked in the backseat. Elie-Jay began reading Dr. Suess and Elie-Dre was hollering at Sponge Bob. Then she looked at the clock. It read: 3:06.

  “Kimi-Sue. It is time to go. Mommy has an appointment!”

  Sue Ellen pulled the car over to the side; there was no shoulder so she softly thumped up onto the curb, then put the car in park.

  “I’ll be right back boys.”

  Sue Ellen stepped out of the car and the parade of SUV-driving soccer moms began loading and driving off, swerving around her car and shooting dirty glares her way.

  “Kimi-Sue! Get back this instant!”

  Kimi-Sue and Maribel ran in the road. Phyllis hobbled over and shouted, “Stop!” The parade of SUVs all stopped. Horns honked and arms failed.

  Sue Ellen ran towards them.

  “You girls be careful!” Phyllis shouted.

  Kimi-Sue grabbed the stop sign.

  “Hey! Give that back to me.”

  “Give that back this instant,” Sue Ellen said, still running over to try and catch them. But the kids ran faster.

  Kimi-Sue tossed the sign to Maribel. Sue Ellen tripped and scraped her knees on the asphalt.

  “Shit!” Her knees began to bleed.

  “Give me that back!” Phyllis was huffing for air as she hopped after them.

  Phyllis leaped at Maribel, and Maribel tossed the sign to Kimi-Sue. Then Phyllis grunted, and pogo-sticked back the other way.

  The horns continued to honk as the game of monkey-in-the-middle continued. The line of SUVs stood still.

  Sue Ellen got up and rubbed pebbles from her knees. “Enough! Give the sign back.”

  “Yes, Momma,” Kimi-Sue said. She reached out and handed the sign to Phyllis. As Phyllis went to grab it, Maribel bent over on all fours and stood behind Phyllis. Kimi-Sue gave Phyllis a little push, and she stumbled over Maribel’s back, plunging to the ground, cursing.

  Sue Ellen grabbed Kimi-Sue and yanked her. “Get in the car. Now!” She bent over and helped Phyllis up. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Yeah. Yeah. You need to teach those brats manners!”

  “I know. I’m really sorry.”

  Sue Ellen walked towards her car. Martha, the meter maid was standing in front of her car, writing her a ticket. She held the ticket book in her one good arm and wrote with her teeth.

  “Goddammit!” She opened the car door and thrust Kimi-Sue inside. “Get in.” She turned to Martha, who was ripping off the ticket with her teeth. “I’m sorry. Can you give me a break?”

  “Sorry. Once the ticket’s been ripped, you gotta pay.” Her voice was slightly muffed as she spoke with her mouth full. She put the ticket book in her mouth while pulling the ticket out of her teeth, and used her hand to tuck the ticket under the windshield.

  Sue Ellen grabbed the ticket from between her windshield wiper as she looked at her clock.

  It read: 3:17. She was going to have to hurry across town through midday traffic.

  THREE

  YAWWWWWWN.

  That was a pretty good nap. What the hell is that noise? Man, let me rub the chunky gunk from my eyes and pick some goop outta my ears.

  Would someone tell me what the fuck is going on here?

  It’s the girl. She is making some kind of fuss. What’s that? Oh, she doesn’t want to come along with Mommy to the doctor’s office. Poor, poor wuddle baby. Life is just so hard.

  “I don’t wanna go!”

  Man! What a freakin’ drama que­en my big sister is… well half sister, or something like that. Anyway, I hear her carrying on and on. I feel the car start moving. Thank god. I hate sitting still. It upsets me, and then I have to kick around and try to find a good position. At least when things are moving I feel comfortable. But this kid won’t give it up.

  “I don’t wanna go! I don’t wanna go! I don’t wanna go!” she keeps on yelling. No, not yelling, shrieking like a spoiled little banshee. If she doesn’t stop soon, I swear I’m gonna rip right out of Mommy’s belly and beat the shit outta her.

  “Mommy, why are we going to the doctor’s office?” It’s the little one talking. If you call that talking, what he does: that pitiful lisp that sounds like he’s spraying half a gallon of spit with each syllable. And he never talks-he hollers. He must give Mommy huge headaches. Shit, I’ve only been around six weeks and I’m already sick of his voice. I wish he would just shut up! “I don’t wanna go to the doctor’s office either.”

  “I don’t have a babysitter. You guys are just gonna have to deal. For Mommy’s sake. Please.”

  “Okay, Mommy. We’ll be good.” It’s the middle one. How can she even hear a word he says with that whispery voice and the other ones yelling over him all the time. What a little kiss ass he is. A sissy mary too. I bet the little one could beat his big brother’s ass any freakin’ day of the week. But whatever. “Kimi-Sue, Mommy needs to go to the doctor. It’s very important.”

  “But I don’t wanna go! I want to play with Maribel! I don’t want to sit in the doctor’s office. I want to go home and play with Maribel!”

  “Kimi-Sue, stop it!” Mommy snaps and that whiny little bitch of a sister shuts her trap. The little prick qui­ets down too. Way to go, Mommy! Now maybe I can finish up my nap. I was having a nice dream about pooping and puking, too. I hope they shut up so I can get back to it.

  * * *

  Yawwwwn. Big stretch.

  What is it this time? Can’t an embryo get some rest around here! Fuckin’ aye!

  Okay, well I don’t hear those bratty kids, thank freakin’ heavens. But something ain’t right in my world. What is Mommy up to now?

  “Dr. Kurtsworth, I think I’m pregnant.”

  “Really? Why would you think that?”

  “I took a test. Several of them. And they all came out positive. I can’t understand it. It just can’t be!”

  “You took a test.”

  “Yes. Several.”

  “Then you’re pregnant.”

  Duh! You sure are a genius, doc. How many years of medical school did it take to figure that one out? I love the way this guy talks. Real slow and deliberate. Each word is laboured over as if he’s out of breath or just thinking real hard or something.

  “Are you sure, Dr. Kurtsworth?”

  “Of course.”

  This doc is a trip. How much does he bill for this? No wonder the healthcare system is broke.

  “But how can you be so sure?”

  “You will never get a false positive with those tests. Occasionally a false negative, but never a false positive. Trust me.”

  “Oh, no.”

  What do you mean, oh, no, Mommy?

  “How can that be? I can’t be pregnant.”

  “It’s unusual. Let’s check you out.” I hear some ruffling. “Here. Go in the bathroom and try this one.”

  “Another test? What for?”

  “Just to be sure. I’ll take some blood as well. Run a few tests.”

  “Fine.”

  Easy with the squatting, Mom. This is uncomfortable. What is she trying to piss me out. Don’t push so hard!

  “Ouch!”

  Sorry, Mom, but you started it.

  “Goddammit, I can’t piss,” she moans. I feel her bouncing around, then hear the door slam. “Doctor, I just can’t seem to go.”

  “It’s okay, Sue Ellen. Just relax.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Fine. Just go sit down and we’ll take some blood.”

  “Okay.”

  Ooo, I felt that.

  “What am I going to do?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I want to get rid of it.”

  IT! I ain’t no it, Mommy.

  “Okay, we can discuss that option.”

  “No. There is no discussion. I want it taken care of. I can’t have another kid.”

  “Very well, Sue Ellen. Take a few days to think it over, and by then your blood work will come back and we can formu
late a plan.”

  “The plan is formulated, doctor. I want this taken care of.”

  “Fine. Call me in a few days when the test results come in.”

  “No! Now. I want this taken care of now!”

  MOMMY! Does that mean what I think it means?

  “Okay, try these pills. They will cause uterine contractions so you will naturally evacuate the contents. Perhaps you won’t need more surgery.”

  “Okay.”

  “If they don’t work, then we’ll explore surgical options.”

  “Okay.”

  FOUR

  She finally got the two brats and the good boy to bed, and Sue Ellen was ready for sleep herself, but she knew that wasn’t gonna happen.

  “Oh, man,” she groaned as she leaned back in bed while massaging her aching feet. “What a horrible day.” Dr. Kurtsworth’s pills didn’t work. She was sure of it. She couldn’t even keep them down, much less let the medicine go to work.

  Cleve walked in with just a tattered robe on. The same one he wore every single night. She bought him a new one for his birthday last year but he liked this one: once navy blue but now faded and closer to blackish/purple, ripped along the back so a hint of hairy ass crack showed, the sides had strings hanging down. It smelled funky too.

  “When are you going to wear that nice robe I bought you?”

  “I like this ‘un.”

  “But the other one is nice.”

  “But it ain’t this ‘un. This ‘un’s comfy,” he said as he reached in the back hole and scratched his butt.

  Sue Ellen shook her head as she sat up in bed. He leaned over towards her with a crooked grin and put one knee up on the bed. He tried to kiss her but she turned her head to the side.

  “Come on, Sue Ellen, you know I hate to waste a good evening.”

  A blowjob in the morning and sex at night. It was just part of the deal with Cleve.

  “Okay, let me take a bath first.”

  “Well, get to it then,” he said, smacking her ass playfully as she got up to walk away.

  Sue Ellen ran the bath hot, almost scalding and yet soothing as she sat down in it. She leaned back letting her legs rise out of the water in order to get as much of her midsection underwater as possible. Damn, her tummy hurt.