Super Fetus Read online

  “What’s that, Doctor?”

  “Don’t panic, Sue Ellen. It’s just to help dilate things. Are you okay?”

  “Yes.”

  “You seem a bit too coherent, Sue Ellen. The anesthesia should have you just on the verge of falling under.”

  “I’m fine, Dr. Kurtsworth. Just do the job.”

  “No, I’d better call Dr. Ng back in here to give you a little more.”

  “No! Just kill the fuckin’ thing. Just finish this. Now!”

  “Okay. Okay. Please relax, Sue Ellen. I will take good care of you.”

  “Thank you. I just want this done.”

  “Okay. Very good. Nurse, the curette, please.”

  Bring it on, Doc. Go ahead. Just bring it on.

  Here it comes. I see that curved, sharp-looking thing coming at me. He’s scraping at the edges of Mommy’s insides, looking for me. I’ll just sque­eze here in this corner. I am very flexible. Maybe if I just really sque­eze.

  Fuck! He’s still coming.

  “Nurse, help me out here. I don’t think I’m getting anything.”

  “What’s going on, Dr. Kurtsworth?”

  “Just hold still, Sue Ellen. Just hold still.”

  Ouch! Fuck! Off my toes. That hurts.

  Okay. A good soldier knows when it’s time to retreat. Get back into my corner. Yeah… that’s right, Doc. You can’t reach me here, buddy boy.

  “This isn’t working.”

  “What? What isn’t working?”

  “Sue Ellen. Just relax. We are going to try something a little more serio­us.”

  “What?”

  “It’s called a D&E. It’s essentially the same thing, but I’ll have to use forceps to help grab the tissue.”

  Tissue? Who you callin’ tissue, Doc? I am five pounds, two ounces of fury, and you ain’t never gonna get the best of me. This is my home. Stay the fuck out!

  “Just do it! I want this done!”

  “I know, Sue Ellen. We will take care of you. Nurse, get an ultrasound technician in here.”

  “Yes, Doctor.”

  This motherfuckinsonofabitchinSOfuckinB. He is not gonna give up. He is gonna keep coming at me. No more mister nice guy. Come on, Doc. You are gonna be one hurtin’ motherfuckin’ wannabe baby killer if you try me again.

  “Would you look at that baby, Dr. Kurtsworth. Look at the arms and legs… they are so…” A new voice. Must be that tech­nician.

  “Defined?”

  “It’s like a foetus on steroids. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

  “Me either, but let’s get on with it.”

  Yeah. Come on, bia­aa­aach!

  What the fuck are those. Hey! Get off my leg with those freakin’ clippers. Do I look like a rosebush?”

  “Okay, let’s get the vacuum on.”

  Shit! What’s with the windstorm? Quit yanking at my leg. Goddamn son of a bitchin’ bastard.

  Gotcha!

  “It’s broken. The vacuum broke.”

  Ah ha! It’s gonna take more than that to beat me, Doc. But that persistent bastard is still at my leg with those funny looking hooks. Hey! Stop tugging at me.

  POP!

  FUCK!

  “Okay, I’ve got a piece of something.”

  Yeah, Doc. My leg you fucker!

  “Oh dear, Dr. Kurtsworth. Look at the muscles on that leg.”

  “Throw it in the bin.”

  “Yes, doctor.”

  “What is going on, Dr. Kurtsworth?”

  “Relax, Sue Ellen. We are taking care of it.”

  Man that hurts. Mommy. Mommy, you’re supposed to love me and protect me. Not kill me!

  I guess she doesn’t see it that way, ‘cause I hear her yell, “Is it dead yet?”

  It? I ain’t no it, Mommy!

  Now he’s yanking at the other leg, but I keep shaking him free. He just keeps after it. I’m grabbing them and yanking the sharp part. Twisting it around Mommy’s insides.

  “Ahhhhh!” she’s yelling.

  And the doc too. “Ahhhh!”

  Get the fuck off of me!

  “Sue Ellen, are you okay?”

  “No! I think you really hurt me.”

  “Okay. We are going to have to stop. I can’t keep doing this. We may really injure you internally.”

  I hear Mommy start to wail and moan. Hey! Who’s the baby here, bitch!

  I beat them again! You don’t fuck with Super Foetus. Nobody messes with me, man.

  Nobody!

  EIGHT

  “Jesus Fucking Christ! Why won’t this baby die?” Sue Ellen screamed underneath the cover of the hot shower. She felt horrible about how that sounded, but she yelled it again anyway. “Why won’t this baby die?” She looked at her stretched-out stomach and shook her head. It was all she could do. Shake her head back and forth and ask herself, “Why? Why fucking me?”

  She felt awful to be talking this way about her unborn child. After all, she had three kids. Even when Kimi-Sue pissed her off something fierce, she couldn’t imagine wanting her dead.

  But this was different. This baby was not like the others, fuck that maternal instinct bullshit.

  “Die! Die! Die!” she shouted while punching her stomach. “Die!” She punched it again and again and again.

  As if answering her, her stomach punched back. It was in there punching back at her as if pounding on a wall. Let me out, Mommy! she could swear she heard it say. Stop punching me, you bitch!

  Sue Ellen sat down in the tub and let the water flow from the showerhead onto her face. “I am losing it. I am losing my fucking mind.”

  “Mommy!” she heard a shout, but this time it wasn’t coming from inside her tummy, thank god. “Mommy I have to make pee-pee.” It was Elie-Dre.

  Did she lock the door? She couldn’t remember, but she sure didn’t have the strength to get up.

  “Mommy! I really gotta go!” Elie-Dre kept on.

  “Oh, Elie-Dre,” she mumbled. “Elie-Dre. Elie-Dre.”

  Little Elie-Dre was her baby, and boy could he be a pain in the ass. But it wasn’t easy for him.

  Sue Ellen thought back to that weird night. She went to Bart’s Biker Bar, Bowling Alley and Boot Repair, just a few weeks after Elie-Jay’d been born. She kicked back ripple while Roxie ogled the beer-bellied bikers and buttcrack-showing buffoons in bowling wear.

  “Look at him,” Roxie said. “I think he is staring at you and he is cute, cute, cute.”

  Sue Ellen looked over her shoulder to see a big dude with a jiggly gut and Harley Davidson t-shirt. When he saw her looking his way, he raised his eyebrows and puckered his lips.

  “That guy?” Sue Ellen asked.

  “Yeah,” Roxie said while elbowing her. “Why don’t you go talk to him.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  He walked towards them with a very confident walk and a cockeyed look on his face. “Can I get you two darlings a drink?”

  “No thanks,” Sue Ellen mumbled.

  But Roxie spoke over her and said, “You betcha, big man.”

  “What’ll it be?”

  “Something strong,” Sue Ellen said without looking at him.

  “Do you have any friends with you?” Roxie asked.

  “Sure, my whole gang’s in the back shootin’ pool.”

  “Come on, Sue Ellen. Let’s go meet the fellas.”

  “Nah. I’ll stay here.”

  Roxie looked over with her head turned sideways and a frown on her face. “Fine,” she said, then followed the biker to the back of the bar.

  Sue Ellen put back a few more drinks when three odd-looking men came in. Their skin looked burnt; she didn’t know what to make of them. Two guys had on shiny shirts and baggy pants. The third guy, walking with a limp, two steps behind the other two, had on a multi-colored moo moo like her momma used to wear, a sequined top hat and the biggest pair of sunglasses Sue Ellen had ever seen.

  There were two empty stools at the bar next to her, and they walked towards them. The two guys sat down and the third one strutted on up behind. Sue Ellen realized he was wearing a boot on one foot, and on his other was just a holey white sock. He was cute.

  The cute one slapped his other boot on the bar and shouted, “What’s a nigga gotta do to get a boot fix ‘round here?”

  Skip, the bartender walked over with squinty eyes and said, “You fellas from around here?”

  The three guys looked at each other. The cute one was biting his lip in a seductive way.

  “Don’t worry, Skip,” Sue Ellen said. “They’re with me.”

  “You know these guys, Sue Ellen?”

  “Yep, they’re my friends. Get them a round on me, Skip. Please.”

  “Okaaaay,” Skip said while throwing up his hands. “You know I’ll do anything for you, sweetie.”

  “Thanks,” the cute one said while flicking at the backs of his sunglasses underneath his ears, making them pop up and down. He smiled and his teeth sparkled like shooting stars.

  “What are we doing in this here cracker bar, anyway,” one of his friends said. The guy had a lot of cheesy gold and silver jewellery and a yellow-toothed smile.

  The cute one said, “Can’t you see I need my boot fixed.” Then he called out, “Yo, Skippy? Where’s the shoe man?”

  Skip brought over the drinks and said, “He’s off tonight.” Then he turned to Sue Ellen and said, “You best take your friends elsewhere. The boys in the back are lookin’ funny. And they’ve been drinking since they got here at five o’clock.”

  “Are you kicking my friends out, Skip?”

  “Of course not, Sue Ellen. Just a friendly warning is all. I don’t need no trouble tonight.”

  “Don’t worry about me, Skip. I’ll be just fine.”

  The third guy, a short a
nd stocky kid turned to Sue Ellen and said, “Girlfriend, you must be a frosted lucky charm.”

  “What?”

  “A frosted lucky charm, because you look magically delicio­us!”

  She nodded. “Thanks.”

  The cute one said, “Don’t pay him any mind. He needs to learn some manners.”

  “Hey, Andre. You dissin’ me for this white bitch?”

  “Come on, knock it off.”

  “Fuck you, man. Bros before hoes. Shit. We out.”

  The two guys walked out, leaving Sue Ellen alone with Andre. She liked what she saw. His sleeveless moo moo exposed big, solid forearms. His hands were big too.

  “So, can a nigga get table dance?” he asked.

  “Huh?”

  He laughed.

  “What are you laughing at?” she asked.

  “Nothing. Nothing,” he said but kept on laughing.

  “Stop it,” she said as she playfully punched his shoulder. “Stop!”

  “No. No. I wasn’t laughing at you. I was laughing at me. What I meant was, you pretty.”

  Sue Ellen smiled, then said, “Like a frosted lucky charm?”

  “Nah, nah. Ignore that dumbass. They’re my boys and all, but they just can’t get out of the hood, you know?”

  “The hood?”

  “You know, the neighbourhood.”

  “Where’s that?”

  “Huh?”

  She leaned over and sniffed his arm.

  “What you doin’?”

  “I was just wondering, do you mind?”

  “Huh?”

  Sue Ellen leaned over again, this time licking his exposed arm.

  “What the…”

  “I just wondered if you tasted like chocolate.”

  “Girlfriend, ain’t you ever seen a brother before?”

  “Brother? I don’t have any.”

  “A black man? Ain’t you ever seen a black man?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe on TV. I ain’t never been out of Hokeyville.”

  “Girl, you sure are strange. But you pretty too. Let’s have another round.”

  “Okay.”

  Out of the corner of her eye, Sue Ellen saw the bikers staring at them and Roxie egging them on.

  “Are you trying to pick me up?”

  He shrugged.

  “Sue Ellen,” Roxie called. “Sue Ellen, come over here, please.”

  “Do you want to get out of here?” she asked Andre.

  “He looked very discreetly over his shoulder and said, “Maybe that’d be a good idea.”

  “Great, let’s go.” She waved to Roxie as she walked quickly towards the door. “See you tomorrow, Rox.”

  “Sue Ellen!” she called, but they were already out the door.

  * * *

  “Sue Ellen,” Andre said with the softness of an overnight disc jockey. “That is just the prettiest name I ever heard.”

  “Aw, shucks. Thanks.”

  “You are so bea­utiful.”

  She walked while he limped down the street. He stopped in front of a minivan. He looked both ways, then slid open the door.

  “This yours?” she asked.

  “Yeah. I borrowed it.”

  She stepped in and saw two child car seats.

  “Ignore those. Those belong to my nephews.”

  “Okay.”

  “You sit in the back there. It’s more comfortable.”

  “Okay.”

  She climbed over the seats, ducking her head so as not to hit the roof, and plunked herself down on a long seat in the back. He followed.

  “Yo, check this out.” He grabbed a remote control that was stuck in the wall and pressed a button. A screen lowered in front of them. “D-V-Fuckin’ D. Can’t beat that shit with a billy-club, yo.”

  “Cool.”

  The screen came on and a big red puppet was chirping in a high voice. Andre quickly fumbled with the remote and said, “My fuckin’ nephews and this shit.” He hit a few buttons and the screen changed. A tiny, bleach-blond girl was inhaling the cock of a large man with chocolate skin. “There. That’s what I like.” He turned to her. “You like that?”

  “Sure. Does it taste like chocolate?”

  “Ooo baby, you wanna find out.”

  “‘kay.”

  He stood up and slid off his underwear, then lay back on the seat. She grabbed his cock. It was pretty big but wasn’t bea­utiful like Daddy’s. And it didn’t taste anything like chocolate.

  “This doesn’t taste like chocolate.”

  “Shee-it. Let’s just fuck then.”

  “Okay.”

  Sue Ellen tumbled on top of him and took a hold of his tall and tender timber. She lay lovingly on his lumber and lashed out loud.

  “Woo wee. This is better than the circus!” she cried.

  He looked up at her, his gigantic sunglasses and sequined top hat still in place. “You betcha, girlfriend. You ain’t never had nothing like me.”

  “Never! Never!”

  “Ride the painted pony. Ride it good.”

  “Woo wee! This is better than a day off on a Tuesday!”

  “Better than a fresh fade and side of con carne!”

  “Better than a fifty dollar tip from a farty old foreman.”

  “Better than a tax return!”

  “Tax return?” she asked.

  “Come on. Just fuck me, girlfriend.”

  “Woo hoo!” Sue Ellen shouted.

  Sue Ellen heard shuffling sounds underneath the seats. “What’s that noise?”

  “Oh, that’s nothing.”

  She leaned over. In the back of the van, his two buddies were huddled in each corner.

  “Don’t mind them,” Andre said.

  “I don’t.”

  “You don’t?”

  “Nah.”

  “Cool. Come on out, fellas.”

  They climbed over the seat and plunged down in a heap in the middle of the van. They were wearing bright, sequined gowns that matched Andre’s top hat.

  “Oh, cool,” Andre said. “You boys changed.”

  “Those are nice dresses,” Sue Ellen said.

  “You like? Awesome. Get out the wigs boys.”

  Andre jumped up and tore off his multi-colored moo moo. He changed the DVD player. His buddies each put on long black wigs and he slipped into a pair of tight sequined underwear. Music came blasting out of the DVD player and on screen, three chocolate women were singing and dancing. Andre and his buddies sang loudly along with the music.

  “Stop! In the name of love,” Andre called.

  “Before you break my heart,” his buddies returned, clapping and stepping perfectly along with the tune.

  “What is this?” Sue Ellen asked; she’d never heard such great music before.

  “Ain’t you heard Dina Ross and the Supremiums?”

  “Nah, but it’s great.”

  Sue Ellen jumped up and danced in the middle of the three men. Andre grinded her midsection while the other two danced right along with the women on the TV.

  “You guys know every dance step.”

  “Shit yeah. We watch this all the time.”

  “All the fuckin’ time.”

  The song ended and Sue Ellen stopped. “What happened?”

  “Don’t worry, pretty thing. Another song is coming.”

  The music came back on and Sue Ellen leaped into Andre’s arms. The music was so exciting. She couldn’t contain herself.

  “Give it to me. Let me have it!” She bounced on Andre as he leaned into the edge of the bucket seat and slid off his shiny underwear.

  “You better slow down! A brother don’t like to pull it out.”

  “Pull nuthin’ out! Give it to me!”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah!”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah!”

  “Yeah!” they shouted together. And it was done.

  Too much to drink and too much damned fun. And a third little baby was all hers. Nine months later, Elie-Dre was born. It was the last child she’d ever give birth to, she vowed. Soon after, Dr. Kurtsworth tied her tubes, supposedly insuring it would never happen again.

  NINE

  Who the fuck is she talking to now?

  “I need help! Someone’s gotta help me,” I hear Mommy whine.

  Her bitch friend says back, “You have to go back to Dr. Kurtsworth.”

  “I can’t. He won’t do it. He says it’s too late to abort.”

  “Too late?”

  “Yes, too late.”

  That’s right, Momma. You ain’t gettin’ rid of me. You just can’t fuck with Super Foetus, Bii­iaccch!

  “Chrissy, what did you do that time? I know you were broke and didn’t use no kinda fancy doctor.”